I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
