remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
