I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
