Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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