Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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