My Higher Power is John Stamos
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
