So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
