My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
