she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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