it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
