My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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