i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
