I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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