Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
