Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
