i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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