wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
