why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
