so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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