Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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