He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize