I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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