nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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