guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
