roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
