I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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