I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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