I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
