You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
