i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
if only i could text you this smell
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
