sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize