look no pants
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
