so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
