Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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