Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
