I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
