rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize