look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
