Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
