I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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