Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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