im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
