She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize