yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
