guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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