What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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