i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
