happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
