i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
organizing the empties. That sober.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
