Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have aggressive nipples.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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