I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
