seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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