he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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