I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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