No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
