what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
