I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
