Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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