Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
