Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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