omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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